Summer Project: Parenting, Interrogations, and Small Talk

Emery at his very first sleep away camp. 

In the past, I usually embarked on a summer project with Emery, very often linked to academic topics. This year, we’re getting a late start, but our summer project is inspired by a blog posting I read titled “What are the skills every 18-year old needs?” Yes, I realize Emery is only 13, but he starts high school in August, and some of these are going to take a while. Also, I’m not planning on focusing on all 8 as some of these are beyond my capabilities. If I were to fabricate situations of his coping with interpersonal relationships, risk taking or problem-solving, I would actually be interfering with the author’s advice to let them take care of their own business. In fact, Emery could develop most of these skills if we would just stop doing things for him, buying him everything he wants, and scheduling so much of his time that all we expect his contributions to the family to be academic and extracurricular.

In fact, most of these skills are better developed if I were to just stop micromanaging Emery’s life. But, I am going to make sure he has the opportunity to take more of a part in household chores and start finding his way around places, and talk to strangers. This last piece of advice doesn’t mean students need to know just how to talk to strangers but to communicate face to face with people. I can’t tell you how many times I hear adults lament the fact that today’s student can’t communicate in ways other than through technology.

In my new job, I have the opportunity to meet with prospective and incoming students. I was very impressed to have had breakfast with several of them the other morning and not one of them looked down at their phones the entire time they were with me. And, several of them asked really good questions. However, the conversations were more of an interrogation/ lecture session, which I guess makes sense since it was more of an information gathering occasion. This conversation was quite different than the conversations I have with their parents/ guardians, which are more small talk than anything.

Emery's Response
When it comes to some of the 8 mentioned in the article my mom linked, I feel like a lot of them have already been learned. While it is true my mother micromanages A lot of my life, going to extracurricular activities and camps are times where she isn’t controlling everything. Because of this, I’ve found out how to take care of myself. For most of the things, I tend to do them very well, like finding my way around a campus. But I did have some trouble with a few, for example, talking to strangers. At first, when I was rather young, this was not a problem. I spoke what I felt because I didn’t even think someone could take it the wrong way. Then, as I became more self aware, I realized that everything I say to someone can have a negative consequence, even if very small. I stopped talking to people except ones I knew very well. But now, I’ve stopped caring most of the time about what I say because I know very well now what to or not to say. This is why I feel the most important thing to a conversation is having good judgement, and knowing how the person acts.

What's Your Ideal Vacation?

Yes, this is really Emery in Paris.

I recently became a 12-month employee. In academia, that means I’ve gone to the dark side—I’ve become an administrator. I love the opportunity to try administration (of course, I’m still teaching and conducting research) and I must admit having a 12-month paycheck as opposed to a 9-month paycheck is also rather wonderful.

So, I’m using my vacation time to attend a Suzuki violin camp in two weeks in Hartford, Connecticut. Don’t get me wrong, I love violin camp. I love being the superstar parent who takes notes for everyone, keeps track of the time, and asks far too many questions in the parent support group classes.

But, if I’m really honest, I’d rather take a vacation in a city without having to attend a camp. I’d go to museums, shops, and hikes. I’d seek out quiet corners and buy my meals at grocery stores so I could picnic. And, then in the evening, I’d go to the opera, or a play, or a film. And, I love attending Mass in foreign cities. I once dragged my sister to Holy Thursday Mass in Athens and it was all in Greek. 

So, I asked my family this week to blog about their ideal vacation. Victor, you’re first.

VICTOR: My ideal vacation is doing whatever I want, whenever I want, for as long as I want.  Imagine being married to a control freak who thinks “vacation” means “using your time wisely” i.e. every second of every day being filled with the most efficient itinerary meant to maximize your time and pack in as much educational museum time as possible.  If “relaxation” is your idea of vacation, forget it.  I mean, you might miss the museum of umbrellas or … ugh.  Forget it.

But here’s a fact:  I am well acquainted with every inch of Prague.  Every.  Inch.  Why?  Because Jackie and I took an apartment there for a solid month in Prague when we were still a “no offspring” married couple.  I had notions of lounging in cafes and sipping wine, but this isn’t Jackie’s vacations style.  If there is a museum or park or library or ANYTHING  … well, we saw it.  And looking back, this is a good thing.  That’s a long way to travel not to see as much as possible.  She has my gratitude.

However …

“Relaxation” is in no way part of her vacation vocabulary.  Example: We’ve been to Disney like … oh .. 12 million times.  One might think this is a perfect argument NOT to go yet again.  But no.  Wrong.  At this point in my Disney vacationing career, it feels good to feel no obligation to go on every ride.  I mean, we’ve done it all, right?  But if you’re on the Jackie plan you WILL BY GOD CRAM AS MANY RIDES INTO A DAY AS POSSIBLE.  Ugh.  What about just moseying about with no plan or hurry?  Can’t we do that?

Extrapolate that to the entire world and the fact is that if she would just lighten up a bit, and if I would just pick up the pace a bit, we’d be the perfect traveling couple … seeing a lot and making the most of our time, but also chilling and sipping some wine and relaxing.

Just 2o more years of marriage and we might finally nail it.

EMERY: Since the others have been talking about vacations in other parts of the world, I will be talking about vacations where you stay home. While I do rather enjoy a lot of vacations where you travel to other places, it’s always nice to have a week of staying at home, without a thing needing to be done. But this style of vacation can become awful, if not done properly. A good example of an awful day during a staycation goes as follows. You spend most of the day on the couch, not going outside at all. No plans, nothing to do. You try to think of something, anything to do, but most of it is either a hobby that you would have to commit to, or not very exciting. When this happens the day becomes extremely slow, you feel very sluggish, and just wish the day would end.

The best way to fight these lazy days is by having a plan. What I started to do is not play as many video games during the weeks of camps, so that there are more games to be played during the other days. The best thing to do however, that I just recently realized, is going outside. Making up errands to run, or just going to get some exercise is a great way to get out, and not feel so sluggish. What wakes me up more than anything is hanging out with friends. Interacting with other people that I know well enough to feel comfortable around gets me very energized.

Road Trips

It's not a road trip without construction

                                                   

When I asked Emery what he wanted to blog about this week, he didn’t hesitate to say “road trips.” I supposed it made sense because I was in the car on a road trip, but I’d like to think he put just a little thought into his answer as summer is often the time many take road trips and he certainly would know having been on a few already this summer.

I love road trips but my experiences with them have changed over the years in profound ways. When we were younger my sister and I shared the backseat—her on the seats, me on the floor, and my parents in the front seat seemed a world a way. I read a lot, squinting in the dark to try to get the end of a book. The most memorable trip we ever took was when my dad was transferred from Italy to England and we drove across Europe. Getting lost in Paris still remains one of my most vivid trips from that era.

As a teenager, road trips became the norm. As a member of the marching band, I spend a lot of time on the road in buses. I think that’s all I want to remember about that time period.

Then, after college, my dad and I took what became yet another memorable road trip. I was looking at grad schools in the Midwest and my dad took the opportunity to show me places from his childhood. And, yes, many of those places are gone, or were in the middle of cornfields. After that trip, I was so tempted to write a top ten list on surviving a car trip with your dad and sending it to Seventeen magazine. We travel much better now—in fact, he’s my preferred road trip companion as we take turns driving and when we’re not driving we’re napping or trying to find a baseball game on AM radio. It’s peaceful and at a pace that works for me.

When I road trip on my own; however, I channel my father’s parents’ approach to road trips. You leave before the sun rises, pack a breakfast and snacks, and head straight for your destination—no delays with side trips to attractions or stops for long meals or shopping. Sometimes, the journey doesn’t matter more than the destination.

Emery's Side
I think my favorite part about road trips is not the driving itself, but the stops. On almost every road trip we go on, we have either breakfast or lunch at cracker barrel, a place i find to be my favorite place to eat when on a road trip, as long as its not too crowded, which it often is at some hours. Another one of my favorite stops is resting for a longer trip at a hotel. Its nice after a long day cramped in a car to stretch out on a bed, look out the window or have dinner at a nearby restaurant. Its the best feeling to be warmed under the thick covers as cold air blows from the ac.

Why don’t more people fence? Here are 5 reasons why you should.

That’s a question Emery asked me a couple of weeks ago. Actually, his statement might have been more along the lines of “I wish more people fenced.” That’s a question I’ve been thinking about as I wish more people were fencing.

Emery started fencing when he was nine. We had been through the usual sports—swimming, karate, soccer, none of them were keeping him interested in enough to continue longer than a season. Our local YMCA had a Saturday morning fencing class and I figured “Why not?”

I think I had a lot of misconceptions of fencing. To me, it was a sport for (and forgive me for my stereotyping) upper class people like lacrosse and polo.

But, it’s not. Soon after we started fencing at the Y, the teacher moved to another city. But he recommend a local fencing school and a few months later, we gave it a try.  Four years later, Emery is still fencing.

And, here are my top five reasons why you should seek out your local fencing school:

1.    Exercise. The point is, they probably don’t understand how much exercise they are getting. I doubted the amount of exercise until I started watching practices, and it’s a full body sport that focuses on strategy, strength, and balance.

2.    It’s not a team sport. Not all kids are suited to team sports. And, if you’re kid thrives on creativity and theatrics; this is their sport. Oh, and boys and girls compete against each other.

3.    There’s not a crazy crowd and it doesn’t have to be competitive. I was surprised at our first fencing tournament. First, there were not many parents there and no shouting or even applauding during bouts. Even now, I’ve seen overbearing parents chastised by their children or carefully encouraged by event managers not to interfere.Again, fencers have the opportunity to compete in our fencing school at a level with which they are comfortable. Emery doesn’t have to compete, but if he does it’s always a good experience.

4.    There are opportunities to interact with other age groups. At Emery’s fencing school, fencers of all ages fence and encourage each other. Emery fences 8 years olds and 40 something year olds.

5.    If you find the right fencing school, it’s really not that expensive. Our coach has equipment that he loans out to students. The tuition is minimal.

And for those of us in the warmer parts of the country—fencing is a year-round, INDOOR sport. That’s right, no sun.

I think perhaps given its scarcity as a school sport (at least where we live), many people are unaware of it. And, I can’t even think of the name of a famous fencer, while I can name a golfer, basketball player, football player, and ice skater, so there are not many role models for kids to want to become someday. And, I’ve never heard of a fencing mom.

What I really want to convey in this post is that there are so many sports for kids these days and I think it’s important for them to find one that promotes a life-long relationship with personal fitness. For me, it was swimming. For Emery, it’s fencing. What’s yours?

Emery’s note: I agree with most of these statements, but when did we do soccer? But I would defiantly rather learn fencing then those other sports. Its a lot more fun to me, involving a lot of thinking ahead, like chess.

Why I’m still playing Pokémon Go even though my son isn’t anymore

July 7, 2016, I started playing Pokémon Go. To be honest, I did it mainly to connect with Emery. I joined his team, Team Insight (the yellow one), and let him name my character (Stayoxiclean, in case you’re curious). We would walk daily across the street to take over our neighborhood gym (from Team Blue-Team Mystic). We would dash out of the house to catch a rare Pokémon wondering out in our neighborhood, and we took long walks to hatch eggs. He would tell me how to play more strategically and the college campus where I worked was a treasure trove of gyms, Pokestops, and Pokémon. Our trip to New Orleans that summer was especially fun as we had fun battling people on street corners for a neighborhood gym.

Six months later, I had to force Emery to go on walks with me or fight gyms. I would even get a gym to the level where he had to just leave a Pokémon to get him to spend time with me. I couldn’t convince him to join me during events and recently he confessed he removed the app a long time ago to make room on his phone for other things.

And yet, I still play. And, I think I know why. I had a fitbit a long time ago, now uncharged and sitting in a drawer. For a while, it was exciting to count steps, but it just became too cumbersome to sync and to wear what is not the most flattering wrist band. With Pokémon Go, I can still track the distance I walk—and I get to hatch an egg at the end. And, there’s something about the competitive nature; I enjoy walking for a bit, fighting a gym or capturing a rare Pokémon, that is so satisfying when I’m having a tough day.

I haven’t figured out the recent changes to the game—for example, the battles and how to get coins, but spinning gyms and catching a Pokémon each day has just become part of my routine. Unlike Emery, I have the luxury to take out my phone a couple of times a day and that consistent action has just become a habit, maybe even a healthy one.

Emery's Response

As humans, we all feel the need to keep moving, whether its progressing in life, changing things up a little or making the next move in a board game. To not move on is like having it be your turn in chess, but you just do nothing. Not making any moves, not forfeiting. It gets boring fast, and you feel like you’re losing purpose. This is why I stopped playing pokemon go.

         Pokemon go is a good game. They defiantly changed some things that needed improvments and it was fun. But like all good things, for me it had to come to an end. Eventually, I stopped finding much enjoyment in it. It was very repetitive. My mother however, enjoyed this kind of simple gameplay, and encouraged me to keep up with it daily. I went willingly on walks, because while I enjoy taking a walk, I did not play much pokemon go while on them. It took up a lot of space on my phone, so about two weeks ago I just deleted it. I had to move on.